Snakes On A Helicarrier
by wirewrappedlily
Summary: Or: That Time Captain America Had An Anaconda Down His Pants Totally drabble. Steve/Tony


Or "That Time Captain America Had An Anaconda Down His Pants"

SHIELD is populated by Phil Coulson and a bunch of idiots, and, unfortunately, Phil Coulson was busy when they made the decision to bring an alien ship aboard the Helicarrier for examination. The alien-snake-creatures that had laid eggs inside the ship, trashed it, crashed it, and went dormant have woken up inside the Helicarrier, and Nick Fury has had enough of these motherfuckin' snakes on his motherfuckin' plane.

Within the first hour, they'd gone from being eggs to being full-grown Earth snakes, and they only looked to be getting bigger.

"We put down in the water, these things go to land!" Hill shrilled, ducking a snake that seemed to have the capability to defy the laws of physics.

"How the fuck are these things flyin' like that?" Fury hissed, shooting it out of the air and smattering snake-guts over Hill and her uniform.

"Good question!" Iron Man grumbled, five snakes attached to him. "Clint, please?"

Five arrows narrowly skimmed the Iron Man suit, and five snakes were down for the count, impaled against the wall. "I fucking _hate_ snakes."

"Really? Judging by the noise from Phil's room last Thursday, there's one in particular you're very fond of." Tony smirked, and dodged an arrow that just happened to pierce through a snake that was going for the plates cover his ass. "Snake-skin arrow. Ew."

"Stark, shut your festering gob, before you end up like our arrow-shaped snakey there."

"Where's Romanoff and Steve?"

"Why the hell is everyone a last name but me?" Steve piped up over the comm, sounding far too tense.

"'Cause it makes it awkward to say 'Roger, Rogers'." Tony told him innocently, "Coulson, on your six."

"It didn't stop you from saying just that for the first two months, _Stark_." Steve snapped, really sounding very tense.

Tony pouted behind his faceplate, dodging another tech-hungry snake and leaving charred remains of its brothers and sisters, "That is a low blow, Steven, you call everyone but Fury by their first names. I'm hurt. I'm going to cry. Natasha, Steve made me cry! Tell Pepper!" Tony slowly began to lower himself down towards the ground, looking for Steve even if his sensors could only just pick up the ragged breaths Steve was seething out. "Well, shit, Rogers, is that a snake in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" Steve's cheeks about matched Tony's suit, his eyes furious that Tony was making light of this, but as Tony gripped the thigh-thick snake and swung, pulling it, hissing and writhing, from where it had dived under the waistband of Steve's ridiculously tight pants, Steve slumped, letting Tony pull him forward and wrap him in his arms. "You with me, Cap?" Tony folded the face plate away, looking down at Steve's wheat-coloured hair. "What happened?" One gauntleted hand that could crush Steve's skull brushed through his hair gently, soothingly.

"I-I...it just...I tackled it...wrestled it away from getting to you...but...it just…" Steve was sputtering slightly, cheeks an unhealthy colour and eyes wide.

Tony pressed his lips against Steve's temple, gathering him against his body. Behind Tony's back, a cobra-looking thing was taken out by a Widow's Bite, and Thor rode in one of the doors aloft one of the snakes, then right through the next door, Mjolnir held high and a battlecry on his lips.

Bruce, safe on the ground and away from the chaos, threw out theories a mile a minute: painfully avoiding the whole Loki-snake ordeal that this probably stemmed from, because an angry Thor was a pouty Thor and a pouty Thor wanted to smash probably more than Hulk did.

Clint was bemoaning Tony using the snake line first, and Coulson almost seemed pleased he'd used it before the archer could, because getting molested in front of your childhood hero was not something that government officials did.

Tony, however, was more than willing to_ molest his childhood hero_, so he didn't really **get** that.

Steve let him kiss him softly, almost dazed as Tony pressed him back, hiding him away. Tony flipped off their comms, looking Steve dead in the eyes, "Did it hurt you?"

"N-No."

Tony's eyebrow cocked, "Are you lying to me?"

Steve swallowed thickly, "No. I just…"

"It's not going to touch you again, Steve." Tony told him, voice low. "I'm building you a snake-proof chastity belt when we get home, and I'm going to be the only one with the key." Steve's blush changed hue, and Tony grinned, knowing he'd gotten through.

"That'd also come in handy at those charity dinners." Steve shot back, drawing his gun over Tony's shoulder and firing three rounds in rapid succession, Natasha's small thanks called back softly. Tony still didn't know why Steve got her good side: Tony was at least as adorable as he was. "You're too self-sacrificing. She cares about you, she doesn't want you hurt, and, as always, you seem to throw your life away at least once in a week." Steve replied, as if he could hear Tony's thoughts. "Your inner monologue isn't staying inner right now, Tony."

"Huh. Well, you're not wrong about those charity dinners. I thought I'd have to engage in some sort of dominance rite with that one lady with the orange hair and the back cleavage." Tony smirked.

Steve and he rejoined the fray just as Fury came splitting out of the massive specimen Tony had evicted from Steve's pants, having been swallowed.

"I think I'm more scared of Fury than I am of the snakes right now." Steve muttered, eyes wide.

Nick Fury lifted a bowie knife, his dark brown eye glinting dangerously.

Tony let out a high laugh, and Steve had never been more jealous of Tony's complete fearlessness, "I think I've never heard of a more justified fear in my life."


End file.
